For relatives in recovery and the families who love them
Boundaries Are Love: Three Boundaries to Set in Recovery
A boundary is a door with a lock, and you hold the key. These are the three boundaries our relatives practice most in treatment. Families, the second half of this page is for you.
One: "I will come. I will leave if there is drinking." Two: "I love you, and I will not lend money." Three: "I need one sober person I can call at 2am." Families: say the boundary once, follow through the first time, and take care of yourself.
We answer your call 24 hours a day.
Recovery gets tested at the family table.
The holiday with an open cooler. The cousin asking for money. The night you need someone and do not know who to call. Without a plan for these moments, good intentions crack. Everyone in recovery deserves a family that knows how to love them safely.
You Are Not Walking This Alone
These three boundaries come from our relatives in treatment and the families who stood with them.
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- Licensed by the Arizona Department of Health Services (OTC20145)
- AHCCCS accepted. Confirmed IHS PRC provider for the Nashville Area
- Ceremony and clinical care in one program, in Prescott, Arizona
Which Boundaries Should I Set?
Practice them out loud before you need them.
- "I will come. I will leave if there is drinking."You get to stay in the family without staying in the pattern. Say it before the gathering, ahead of time. Have your own ride.
- "I love you, and I will not lend money."The person and the addiction are two different things, and money feeds the addiction. This one works both ways: for the relative in recovery who gets asked, and for the family member being asked.
- "I need one sober person I can call at 2am."Recovery is a team effort. Name the person before you need them. Save the number under a name you will find when your hands are shaking.
How Do I Hold a Boundary With Love?
- Say it once, calmly, then stop explaining. Explaining invites negotiation.
- Follow through the first time. A boundary you skip once teaches that none of them are real.
- Separate the person from the behavior. "I am leaving this situation. I am staying in your life."
- Expect pushback. Anger at a boundary is a normal reaction, and the boundary still stands.
- Take care of yourself too. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and your relative needs you well.
What Do I Say While They Are in Treatment?
- "I am proud of you for being there." Say it every time you talk.
- Ask about their day: the garden, the shop, who they sat with at lunch. Leave the drinking questions to the counselors.
- Keep home drama for later unless it is urgent. There will be time.
- Promise only what you are sure of. Skip "everything will be normal."
- End with when you will talk next. Then follow through.
Our relatives finish with a plan, and the plan includes you. Planning at Thundermaker is done with families and, with consent, with the client's tribal or referring office.
What Are My Next Steps?
Simple on purpose. We carry most of the middle one.
- Call (928) 531-1930Any hour. You, a family member, a case manager, or a probation officer can make the call.
- We sort out coverageAHCCCS, IHS PRC, tribal funding, or private pay. Admissions handles the paperwork with you and gives you a start date.
- Start with your peopleYour first day: assessment, a meal at the table, and a plan you help write. See what the first days look like.
If nothing changes
Without clear boundaries, old patterns walk right back in through the family door.
What it can look like instead
Gatherings you can attend and leave on your own terms, money conversations that end quickly, and one sober person who always picks up.
Questions People Ask
What are healthy boundaries in addiction recovery?
Clear statements of what you will and will not do, said calmly and kept consistently. Common ones: leaving a gathering if there is drinking, not lending money, and naming one sober person to call in a crisis.
How do I set a boundary with a family member who drinks?
Say it once, ahead of time, without a long explanation. Then follow through the first time it is tested, and arrange your own ride so you can leave.
Is it okay to say no to lending money to someone in recovery?
Yes. Many families say: I love you, and I will not lend money. You can still offer food, rides to appointments, and your time.
Does Thundermaker include families in treatment?
Yes. With the client's consent, families are part of the plan from the first call through the end of treatment.
Questions About a Relative in Treatment?
Call any hour. Families are part of the plan here.